Four Months and 16 Days Ago...

I made my first blog entry. And, there has been no word since..
But I am writing again. Why? Because God has outstretched his arm to smite me.. and hand me a report card that couldn't possibly be mine and a mailbox full of rejection letters...
And I am here to beg for mercy.
Mercy!
My father bought me a Hillsongs CD today, walking casually into my room (more like climbing actually, with all the junk that is lying around on my floor), glancing about before saying, "I see your Bible is nowhere to be seen..." Indeed. My Bible is no where to be seen. The last time I saw it was months ago. The last time I really prayed? I can't even remember.
I lie like a rug. I lie like it's nobody's business. I don't know why, but the truth seems to get all tangled and warped on its journey from my brain to my mouth. I lie, I cheat, and the worst part (or the best part, depending on your perspective) is that I no longer feel an ounce of remorse. Today someone told me that I was the most "good" person he knew, that inherently I knew right from wrong. I wanted to cry. The world must be a terrible place if i am the most holy person you know.
In that vein, I can see why God wants to smite me down.
But at the same time... is it so wrong to want a C in a math class?? Is it really too much to ask? When I think about Calculus I feel like I am pressed up against a brick wall while a masked man waits for the signal to shoot me in the head. Or maybe it's the feeling of being trapped in a burning building, and the only escape is a 100 story fall to the concrete below..

And, at the end of this blog, I realize i have wasted precious time and yet said nothing at all...
But God, please, just one acceptance letter. One acceptance letter... and I promise to keep the Hillsongs playing till then.